Never say “Never”
Avoid absolute words – that have no exceptions. These are usually said to make a point, usually exaggerated. And usually comes off as negative. None All Noone Never Always Everyone Ever Must Only No Not Just
Make it easy to be heard. Choose better words.
The words you use to start a conversation set the tone for the entire conversation. Words that express strong feelings or thoughts tend to derail discussions – quickly. Under the upset and anger, there are other feelings that would probably invite more positive responses. — Words to avoid: – I feel annoyed … – I
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Ask open-ended questions for richer responses
Questions that stimulate informative answers almost all begin with the open-ended WHAT or HOW. Questions that begin with “Are you” or Do you” invite yes and no answers, and then shut down the conversation. Yes/ No: “Do you want to ….” Answer: “No” – Open-ended: “How would you feel about …” Answer: “I’d rather try
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You control your feelings. Only you.
Keep your personal power. Saying “YOU MAKE ME FEEL” indicates that you believe that feelings are inevitable responses to what someone has done to you. You are giving your personal power away to someone else. And, you are likely to antagonize your spouse, since it indicates blame. — So why do people say that? Why
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Change complaints to requests
No one likes to hear complaints; they give most people a downer feeling. Instead of complaining, request. Requests establish a positive tone and invite helpful responses and solutions. – Complaint: “I hate …” Complaint: “Why do we always …” Complaint: “I don’t like that ….” Complaint: “It bugs me when …” – Request: “How about
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Say what you do want rather than what you don’t want.
Multiple “don’t want”/”Don’t like” statements seldom add up to one clear “would like”. – “I don’t want a blue sweater.” – “I don’t want a cardigan.” “Would like” statements efficiently convey your preferences. – “I would like a red V neck sweater.” — “Don’t like” tends to engender defensiveness, discouragement and negativity. “Would like” invites
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Accept your shortcomings. Accept your spouse’s.
As a human being, you have some shortcomings. We all do. No one is perfect. Some of our flaws are the mirror image of our strengths. If you are super organized; you might be less flexible. If you are industrious and always accomplishing, you may not allow yourself time to relax with your family. Some
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How to interrupt your spouse
Dos and Don’ts of Interrupting – Don’ts *Don’t not allow the other to finish sharing important information, before you jump in. “I know what you are going to say.” *Don’t negate what the other said before the thought is completed. – – Dos *Support and build on what the other said. *Break into a monologue
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Use “I statements” to avoid positive judgments
“You are so wonderful” and “You do that so well.” can be subconsciously felt as judgments, albeit positive ones. Positive judgments express what you think about the other person. Even though these are positive judgments, they still put the recipient in the position of being judged and the praise-giver in the position of judge. And
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Active listening: Giving your full attention to the other.
Active Listening is a form of listening and reflecting back what you’ve heard that can deepen the bond, the trust, the understanding and the mutual respect in relationships. Reflecting back what you’ve heard uncovers misunderstandings earlier. The listener can then reflect back by paraphrasing in their own words what they think they’ve understood and then
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