The biggest source of conflict for couples is … the urge to win. When winning is most important, then your spouse’s perspectives are summarily dismissed or trampled upon, leading to a downward cycle of spiral of resentment, hostility and then to alienation. And the relationship suffers. So why do people choose winning over understanding their […]
Aim to understand your spouse, not to win the argument. Read More »
Most people prefer presence over presents. They want your time and attention. If you are not around enough for your loved ones, reflect on your time commitments and priorities. You may have legitimate reasons that limit your time together. Or, it might be that you are (subconsciously) choosing to be busy with other things like
Presents or presence Read More »
Attempts to make your partner change invite defensiveness. That strategy will get you nowhere. Think about it: when was the last time your spouse made meaningful change just because you nagged them. Instead, use your energy to figure out what you want and then what you yourself might do differently to get it. New mindsets.
Don’t expect your spouse to change. Focus on yourself. Read More »
Don’t ask for feedback; ask for advice. Feedback has the connotation of past-thinking. Advice is forward-thinking. Feedback is often associated with evaluation, and judgment about performance in the past. This makes it harder to imagine someone’s future and possibly better performance. As a result, feedback givers end up providing less critical and actionable input. In
Feedback looks backwards. Advice is future-oriented. Read More »
When you hurt your spouse – accidentally or intentionally – some trust and security is lost. Saying “I’m sorry” doesn’t build that back. Actions speak louder than words. Making actual changes in your behavior goes a whole lot further. Change proves that you value them and the relationship. –
The best apology is changed behavior Read More »
Every couple has disagreements or fights – sometimes. If you did have a fight and then found a way to smooth things over without truly feeling a deeper sense of understanding about yourself, your relationship and your spouse, you’ve wasted a perfect opportunity for growth. Reflect about what might really have been going on for
Grow from a fight. Read More »
Empathy expands our perspectives about ourselves, others, and life. When we empathize, we are able to imagine that, had we lived someone else’s life, we might have made the same choices as they have made. Empathy says that we are all human and everyone is doing the best they can with what they know, and
Try for empathy instead of forgiveness. Read More »
Some of our biggest growth and learnings come after discomfort. At one point, you had a different way of looking at things or you didn’t know how to do something. And then a new way of understanding or doing things presented itself. If you didn’t invite that change, you may be uncomfortable with it. Nonetheless,
New? Uncomfortable? Lean into the discomfort. Read More »
Don’t fight in public. And don’t belittle your spouse, snap at them, roll your eyes, be verbally aggressive, betray them with stories that make them look foolish or dumb, or constantly making jokes at their expense. And definitely don’t try to rope others into your arguments. It’s disrespectful. It’s awkward for everyone. For each of
Don’t fight in public. Read More »
Show your appreciation for someone even if they are ‘simply doing their job’. It shows you value them – as a person, not just for the work they do. It doesn’t take long to say ‘thank you’, but it does take caring. Saying ‘thank you’ is mostly an emotional act, and it connects one person
Thank someone even if they are ‘simply doing their job’ Read More »
