Accept a “no” answer
‘No’ is an acceptable answer. If you ask something of your spouse, “no” has to be an acceptable response. You cannot demand, sulk, be passive-aggressive or try to convince or manipulate.
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JOT
Be the same spouse in stressful times as in calm times.
During stressful times, some people become emotional, controlling, and close-minded. This can have a negative impact on everyone around. When stress does come – and it will from time to time – think about the family and relationship dynamic you want, and if your stress-driven actions support that. You wouldn’t threaten or blame in calm
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Talk about the way you argue
Create a list of the things that you don’t want your spouse to do if you ever got into an argument. “What are things you don’t want me to do or say during an argument?” Accept those requests as ‘argument rules’ and promise to abide by those rules. It is not about making your point,
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Don’t point out every tiny flaw.
Nitpicking: It can be easy to pick apart aspects of your spouse that you dislike or don’t agree with. (Everyone has something.) When you point out what one another has or hasn’t done or how your spouse said or did something wrong, you are belittling, embarrassing, and demeaning them. You’re also saying that you want
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What not to say: “at least…”
The words “at least (it is not) …” are usually an attempt to quickly move beyond the issue at hand with a superficial silver lining. It belittles something the other person feels is important, disregards their feelings, and ultimately, it lacks empathy. Anything that follows these two words will only serve to deepen the conflict
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I love you anyway
When your spouse makes a mistake, it can be hard on both of you. What you say in that moment will have a lasting impact on your relationship. When you say, “I love you anyway,” what you are really saying is, “regardless of the mistake, I will still love you.” Even as adults, we need
Look for ways to say ‘yes’ even you are thinking ‘no’.
Keep it positive, even when the answer is ‘no’. One way to do this is to reframe a question. So, rather than saying, “No, you we cant get that”, you might say, “Let’s put that on our list of what we hope to get soon enough.”
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I’m glad you told me
When your spouse shares about something that is making them feel down, your role as their spouse is to make them feel supported and not alone. Let them know you appreciate their sharing with you and acknowledge that it might have been difficult to do so. When you do this, it signals that you are
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If your spouse says “disregard it”, then disregard it.
If your spouse says something, and then quickly follows with the words “disregard it”, then do just that – disregard it. Don’t over-analyze what was originally said. They realized that whatever was said should not have been shared in that way (or at all) and they wish it could be disregarded and forgotten. Deleted. For
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A good compliment is … Genuine (and generous)
“You have a fine eye for details. It’s the little things all together that really make this project pop.” Unique (not cliché) Not “You’re the greatest! “Your outlook on life is so refreshing.” Specific, include details “Getting down to the kid’s eye level really helped calm him down. You really have a knack with kids.”
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