Describe what you are feeling about the experience rather than just the experience itself. Instead of “What was that for?” or “I don’t like when you say that”, say “I felt hurt by those words.” – Instead of “You are so lazy.”, “You never do anything around here”, ”I hate that I am the only […]
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Some words to avoid: “Why are you getting so upset?” This questions the listener’s sensitivities and invalidates his/ her feelings. Rather say, “Please walk me through what is so upsetting to you.”
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Some words to avoid: “Let’s just drop it.” It isn’t fair to your relationship or your spouse to shut down the discussion. Instead, ask for a temporary time-out. “I need the time and head-space to step back and process it a little bit. I promise I’ll get back to it.” And don’t leave in a
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Some words to avoid: “I’m sorry if you feel that way.” This invalidates the listener’s feelings. It certainly is not an apology. Rather say, “I apologize for doing [whatever it is you did], I can see it upset you. I did not intend to do that. Help me understand what went wrong here.”
Words to Avoid: “I’m sorry if you feel that way” Read More »
Unless it really is time-sensitive, most things don’t really need to be done the minute you ask for it. Dishes can stay in the sink for a few hours, the mail can be brought in later. – Your spouse does want to do for you and the family. They just might want to do it
It doesn’t always need to be done “right now!” Read More »
GIVE INDIRECT COMPLIMENTS. SOMETIMES. Compliment often! Most of your compliments to your spouse should be direct and specific. Sometimes, you can also give an indirect compliment. — Talk about them positively to everyone and the news will eventually reach their ears. “Ella had such a great idea to create this. She designed and developed it
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Sometimes, silence is the most important part of the communication. Being quiet doesn’t simply mean not talking while the other is talking. Rather, it is to actually take some moments to silently reflect before responding, giving everyone time to think and absorb what was said. – Excerpted from Marriage 911, Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, LCSW-R and
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Often when a person needs or wants something, instead of coming out and asking for it directly, s/he only hints at it. Hints do not motivate. A hint does not convey a message and does not deliver an impetus to act. The listener may even feel irritated, as subconsciously s/he expected to hear a request
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Apologies often do not work. The person who was offended may have very minimal confidence in the apology. Most people are not as needy of an apology as they are to feel understood and respected. In fact, it is likely that the only way apologies help – the only time they do work – is
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“Should” is one of the most judgmental words you can use. Telling people what they should or shouldn’t do, say, or think makes you the judge and ruler of their thoughts and decisions. It evokes and builds negative thoughts about the other person. Instead of “She should have called…” say, “I wish she had called.”
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