Being compared negatively to anyone stings. Additionally, these statements are usually said when the listener doesn’t quite stack up to what the other is hoping. That stings too. Double sting. – Don’t say “You so emotional, just like your mom.” “You remind me of X, he’s also so clueless about these things.” “Why can’t you […]
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Acknowledge your own sensitivities and turn criticism into requests Often you can avoid conflict by prefacing your reactions, comments, and criticism with a statement that acknowledges your own sensitivities. “I know I need more attention than a lot of other people do” rather than “You don’t pay enough attention to me.” – Why this works:
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The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right place, but to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. – Not every truth must be shared.
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If something you said didn’t come out as you had hoped, you can ask for a do-over. – “I said that the wrong way, can I have a ‘do over?’“ “That didn’t come out right, let me say that again.”
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Surprise gifts are nice. But buying a surprise can be stressful: will my spouse like it and use it? Make a gift wish list – from all different price points. In this way, your spouse can be assured that whatever gift they buy you will like. You will be surprised that they bought you a
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If something your spouse did or didn’t do has created a problem (it happens), you might ask: “What ideas do you have for … “ (getting this done on time, to fix this for the future, etc.) Of course tone matters. Firstly, this allows them to be less defensive, since you’re not being accusatory or
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When you notice any of the following creeping into your discussion, slow down. You probably need a time-out to gain clarity and composure to continue the conversation. Name calling Attacking ‘you statements’ Finger pointing/ blaming Overgeneralizing (‘you always…’, ‘you never…’, ‘every time I…’, ‘nobody around here…’) Afraid of your partner’s intensity Loud voices Red face
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Show your gratitude – in a full way. There are 3 parts to the Power Thank You. 1. Thank the person for something specific that the person did for you. Actually say the words “Thank you…” And be specific about what you are grateful for “for running to the store at that crazy hour.” That
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Instead of trying to get the better of each other, work to “get” each other, to put yourself in the shoes of the other. This understanding can lead to cooperation, collaboration, and effective communication. In his book, Just Listen, the author Mark Goulston outlines just how to do this. 1. Attach an emotion to what
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Direct questions make people think you’re talking AT them, and that can put them on the defensive. Rather, invite them into a conversation with fill-in-the-blanks approach; they will feel you’re talking WITH them. – With real curiosity, ask “So you are thinking of doing that because ____________. And that will help you to ____________.” Rather
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