With just two words, “Well actually”, you sound like a condescending over-explainer. You come across as rude, pretentious, and self-centered. In those words, your listener hears: “I’m right and you’re wrong.” And they will think to themselves: “You think you’re superior and that I’m stupid.” That may not be your intention, but that it generally […]
What not to say “Well actually” Read More »
You really don’t have to share everything you are thinking or feeling. So your spouse chose the wrong way to say something? So you disagree about the best route to take home? So your spouse came home a few minutes later than they said they would? So many arguments begin with sneering or ridiculing the
Marriage is improved by the two or three things not said each day. Read More »
The situation may not be good*. You have a choice. Be a victim and be defined by what has happened. Or, you can take the life lesson that Hashem is sending through the situation. See it as an opportunity for personal growth. Maybe you need to learn assertiveness, or to be more careful with your
Your situation doesn’t have to define you. Let it refine you. Read More »
The biggest source of conflict for couples is … the urge to win. When winning is most important, then your spouse’s perspectives are summarily dismissed or trampled upon, leading to a downward cycle of spiral of resentment, hostility and then to alienation. And the relationship suffers. So why do people choose winning over understanding their
Aim to understand your spouse, not to win the argument. Read More »
Most people prefer presence over presents. They want your time and attention. If you are not around enough for your loved ones, reflect on your time commitments and priorities. You may have legitimate reasons that limit your time together. Or, it might be that you are (subconsciously) choosing to be busy with other things like
Presents or presence Read More »
Attempts to make your partner change invite defensiveness. That strategy will get you nowhere. Think about it: when was the last time your spouse made meaningful change just because you nagged them. Instead, use your energy to figure out what you want and then what you yourself might do differently to get it. New mindsets.
Don’t expect your spouse to change. Focus on yourself. Read More »
Don’t ask for feedback; ask for advice. Feedback has the connotation of past-thinking. Advice is forward-thinking. Feedback is often associated with evaluation, and judgment about performance in the past. This makes it harder to imagine someone’s future and possibly better performance. As a result, feedback givers end up providing less critical and actionable input. In
Feedback looks backwards. Advice is future-oriented. Read More »
When you hurt your spouse – accidentally or intentionally – some trust and security is lost. Saying “I’m sorry” doesn’t build that back. Actions speak louder than words. Making actual changes in your behavior goes a whole lot further. Change proves that you value them and the relationship. –
The best apology is changed behavior Read More »
Every couple has disagreements or fights – sometimes. If you did have a fight and then found a way to smooth things over without truly feeling a deeper sense of understanding about yourself, your relationship and your spouse, you’ve wasted a perfect opportunity for growth. Reflect about what might really have been going on for
Grow from a fight. Read More »
Empathy expands our perspectives about ourselves, others, and life. When we empathize, we are able to imagine that, had we lived someone else’s life, we might have made the same choices as they have made. Empathy says that we are all human and everyone is doing the best they can with what they know, and
Try for empathy instead of forgiveness. Read More »
