Open your heart, open your mouth and share your positive feelings for your spouse. — Say it! Tell your spouse how your life is enriched by them. – Use the 3 Part Statement: 1. The actions that have contributed to those positive feeling: When I [saw/ hear/ found out] 2. Why those actions affected those […]
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In a healthy marriage, each spouse has sole authority and sole responsibility for speaking his or her own thoughts and feelings and for deciding his or her actions. Trespassing into your spouse’s space feels invasive and is likely to trigger defensiveness and repulsion. And because you can’t really know what is going on for anyone
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Avoid absolute words – that have no exceptions. These are usually said to make a point, usually exaggerated. And usually comes off as negative. None All Noone Never Always Everyone Ever Must Only No Not Just
The words you use to start a conversation set the tone for the entire conversation. Words that express strong feelings or thoughts tend to derail discussions – quickly. Under the upset and anger, there are other feelings that would probably invite more positive responses. — Words to avoid: – I feel annoyed … – I
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Questions that stimulate informative answers almost all begin with the open-ended WHAT or HOW. Questions that begin with “Are you” or Do you” invite yes and no answers, and then shut down the conversation. Yes/ No: “Do you want to ….” Answer: “No” – Open-ended: “How would you feel about …” Answer: “I’d rather try
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Keep your personal power. Saying “YOU MAKE ME FEEL” indicates that you believe that feelings are inevitable responses to what someone has done to you. You are giving your personal power away to someone else. And, you are likely to antagonize your spouse, since it indicates blame. — So why do people say that? Why
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No one likes to hear complaints; they give most people a downer feeling. Instead of complaining, request. Requests establish a positive tone and invite helpful responses and solutions. – Complaint: “I hate …” Complaint: “Why do we always …” Complaint: “I don’t like that ….” Complaint: “It bugs me when …” – Request: “How about
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Multiple “don’t want”/”Don’t like” statements seldom add up to one clear “would like”. – “I don’t want a blue sweater.” – “I don’t want a cardigan.” “Would like” statements efficiently convey your preferences. – “I would like a red V neck sweater.” — “Don’t like” tends to engender defensiveness, discouragement and negativity. “Would like” invites
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As a human being, you have some shortcomings. We all do. No one is perfect. Some of our flaws are the mirror image of our strengths. If you are super organized; you might be less flexible. If you are industrious and always accomplishing, you may not allow yourself time to relax with your family. Some
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Dos and Don’ts of Interrupting – Don’ts *Don’t not allow the other to finish sharing important information, before you jump in. “I know what you are going to say.” *Don’t negate what the other said before the thought is completed. – – Dos *Support and build on what the other said. *Break into a monologue
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