People often ask questions when they are really making statements. A question is a request for information or clarification. A statement disguised as a question is about the dynamics between the sender and the receiver. -Are you leaving now? May actually mean: I don’t want you to leave now, but I am shy about saying […]
Convert your questions to statements. Read More »
Words like “no offense”, “this is coming from love, but…” or “not to be mean but…” are often used to preface a statement that the speaker anticipates will make the listener will feel hurt, angry or upset. The truth is, when the listener hears these words, they get ready to hear something offensive. Of course,
What not to say “No offense” Read More »
With just two words, “Well actually”, you sound like a condescending over-explainer. You come across as rude, pretentious, and self-centered. In those words, your listener hears: “I’m right and you’re wrong.” And they will think to themselves: “You think you’re superior and that I’m stupid.” That may not be your intention, but that it generally
What not to say “Well actually” Read More »
You really don’t have to share everything you are thinking or feeling. So your spouse chose the wrong way to say something? So you disagree about the best route to take home? So your spouse came home a few minutes later than they said they would? So many arguments begin with sneering or ridiculing the
Marriage is improved by the two or three things not said each day. Read More »
The situation may not be good*. You have a choice. Be a victim and be defined by what has happened. Or, you can take the life lesson that Hashem is sending through the situation. See it as an opportunity for personal growth. Maybe you need to learn assertiveness, or to be more careful with your
Your situation doesn’t have to define you. Let it refine you. Read More »
The biggest source of conflict for couples is … the urge to win. When winning is most important, then your spouse’s perspectives are summarily dismissed or trampled upon, leading to a downward cycle of spiral of resentment, hostility and then to alienation. And the relationship suffers. So why do people choose winning over understanding their
Aim to understand your spouse, not to win the argument. Read More »
Most people prefer presence over presents. They want your time and attention. If you are not around enough for your loved ones, reflect on your time commitments and priorities. You may have legitimate reasons that limit your time together. Or, it might be that you are (subconsciously) choosing to be busy with other things like
Presents or presence Read More »
Attempts to make your partner change invite defensiveness. That strategy will get you nowhere. Think about it: when was the last time your spouse made meaningful change just because you nagged them. Instead, use your energy to figure out what you want and then what you yourself might do differently to get it. New mindsets.
Don’t expect your spouse to change. Focus on yourself. Read More »
Don’t ask for feedback; ask for advice. Feedback has the connotation of past-thinking. Advice is forward-thinking. Feedback is often associated with evaluation, and judgment about performance in the past. This makes it harder to imagine someone’s future and possibly better performance. As a result, feedback givers end up providing less critical and actionable input. In
Feedback looks backwards. Advice is future-oriented. Read More »
When you hurt your spouse – accidentally or intentionally – some trust and security is lost. Saying “I’m sorry” doesn’t build that back. Actions speak louder than words. Making actual changes in your behavior goes a whole lot further. Change proves that you value them and the relationship. –
The best apology is changed behavior Read More »
