Two words that have no place in any apology: “obviously” and “misconstrued.” – “I obviously didn’t mean to hurt you.” The word “obviously” is not a humble word. If you obviously didn’t mean the horrible thing you said, why did you say it? And if something really is obvious—if, say, you obviously didn’t intend to […]
How not to apologize: using words like “obviously” and “misconstrued” Read More »
When you agree to disagree you are essentially hitting a dead-end, and thus there is a sense of disconnect. You are each holding onto to your own truth without acknowledging that the other person has another interpretation of the same event. Rather, listen to understand the other’s perspective. Based on their experiences and logic, their
Don’t “agree to disagree” Read More »
Let go of being right and accept your spouse for who they are. When you accept reality, your life will be much less stressful. – He always runs late. Instead of yelling at him each and every time, accept that he’ll always be late and add a time buffer to any plans with him. –
Let go of being right and accept your spouse. Read More »
Shared dreams have a chance of actually happening. When you don’t share your dreams, they remain as expectations, which when they do not actualize can lead to frustration, disappointment and resentment. You might be hoping and wanting that your family will only eat healthy foods in your home. Yes, that would be wonderful. It can
Share your dreams for your family. Read More »
Don’t be “sorry if” anyone was hurt by your words or actions. Be sorry *that* you were hurtful. Own it. The “if” adds a shadow of doubt— hey, maybe you didn’t say or do anything nasty after all! “If” is cowardly; “that” takes responsibility. Similarly, “it distresses me that you’re upset” is weaselly: You’re implying
How not to apologize: “sorry if …” Read More »
The fight is not about toilet paper, money or commitment or who does the housework. What you’re really fighting about is feeling a lack of affection, respect, power…or some combination of three. – Reflect on what is really going on for you when you bring up an issue. Is it really the toilet paper, or
The fight is not about the issue. It is about respect, affection or power. Read More »
Reframe the problem with a more positive thought-provoking statement: “How might we…?” This encourages us to think creatively about solution generation. There is a lot of power in the word ‘might’. When we hear words like ‘can’ and ‘should’, there is some level of judging, and defenses go up. Thoughts like ‘can we really do
The “how might we…” power question Read More »
There is so much that is communicated through *non-verbal cues*: through your facial expressions, the tone and pitch of your voice, gestures displayed through your body language and the physical distance between the communicators. The timing and location that you choose for the conversation can also convey so much. Choosing a time that respects the
You communicate so much without saying anything. Read More »
Every emotion has degrees, from diminished to fiercely intense. Different words have different temperatures. Monitor your language and make sure your language isn’t minimizing or exaggerating the intensity of emotions. Match your words to the actual intensity of your emotions. –> Are you feeling blue, stressed, heartbroken, dejected, or depressed? –> Are you feeling satisfied,
Match your words to the intensity of your emotions Read More »
The idea is to get a better understanding of the work they do, particularly the parts that add to their exhaustion and stress. In this way, you can better appreciate and understand how they feel at the end of the day. And what kind of support they would most appreciate. To a spouse who leaves
Discuss your spouse’s day. Read More »
