Both partners want more peace… they just approach conflict with completely different instincts. One partner wants to slow down and explore what happened —how each person contributed, what went off-track, and what they can both learn to do differently next time. Their inner voice might say: “If we understand this, we can prevent it.” “We […]
Change the Dance: Dealing with Conflict Read More »
Both partners are longing for connection… they’re just using opposite survival strategies. The pursuer senses distance and feels an urgent need to close the gap. They might think or say: “We need to talk.” “What’s going on?” “Don’t shut me out.” “I just want us to feel close again.” So they talk, probe, ask, push—trying
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Both partners want things to go well… they just cope with life’s stress in opposite ways. The overfunctioner jumps into action—taking charge, solving problems, organizing, and anticipating everyone’s needs. Their inner voice might say: “If I don’t do it, it won’t get done.” “I can’t let things fall apart.” “I’ll just handle it—it’s easier that
Change The Dance: The Overfunctioning–Underfunctioning Read More »
A relationship is like a dance. One person moves a certain way, the other responds, and over time, a pattern develops. It doesn’t matter who started it—what matters is the rhythm you’ve created together. This happens in all parts of a relationship: during loving moments, disagreements, everyday routines, or when needing support. When the dance
Is the Dance in Your Relationship Stuck? Read More »
When preparing for a difficult conversation, it’s important to understand the difference between motive and intention. Motive is the underlying reason or emotion driving you to engage in the conversation. It answers, Why am I doing this? Recognizing your motive ensures you’re honest with yourself about why you’re having the conversation, whether it’s to express
Both your motive and intention are key for difficult conversations. Read More »
When trying to address a sensitive topic or give feedback, our words matter. To reduce the likelihood of triggering a defensive response, try these strategies: By being mindful of how you word things, you can foster a more open, less defensive conversation, creating space for collaboration rather than conflict.
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It’s normal to want to defend yourself or “set things straight.” We all feel the need to protect our ideas, our ego, or our version of the story. But often, that instinct can escalate tension and create unnecessary friction. By choosing not to respond, you’re not giving up your voice or agreeing with something you
Overcome the urge to defend yourself. Pause and choose peace. Read More »
When faced with conflict or differing perspectives, asking, “Are you willing to [hear another perspective, think differently about this, see this from a different point of view]?” can be incredibly powerful. This question shifts the focus from winning an argument to fostering understanding. It encourages the other person to reflect on their openness to change
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We all have moments when our words don’t land the way we intended. When that happens, it’s important to acknowledge the impact of what was said. Try saying, “I can see how that was hurtful,” or “I understand how that could have been confusing.” These phrases show empathy and validate the other person’s feelings. Follow
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Sometimes, it may seem like people can’t handle “brutal honesty,” and it can be tempting to think, “It’s not my problem if they don’t want to hear the truth.” However, true honesty isn’t just about laying down the facts; it’s also about how you communicate them. When aiming for honest communication, focus on both what
Brutal honesty is usually more brutal than honest. Read More »
