If something your spouse did or didn’t do has created a problem (it happens), you might ask: “What ideas do you have for … “ (getting this done on time, to fix this for the future, etc.) Of course tone matters. Firstly, this allows them to be less defensive, since you’re not being accusatory or
Ask your spouse for ideas Read More »
When you notice any of the following creeping into your discussion, slow down. You probably need a time-out to gain clarity and composure to continue the conversation. Name calling Attacking ‘you statements’ Finger pointing/ blaming Overgeneralizing (‘you always…’, ‘you never…’, ‘every time I…’, ‘nobody around here…’) Afraid of your partner’s intensity Loud voices Red face
Know the warning signs of a possible fight Read More »
Show your gratitude – in a full way. There are 3 parts to the Power Thank You. 1. Thank the person for something specific that the person did for you. Actually say the words “Thank you…” And be specific about what you are grateful for “for running to the store at that crazy hour.” That
The power “Thank you” Read More »
Instead of trying to get the better of each other, work to “get” each other, to put yourself in the shoes of the other. This understanding can lead to cooperation, collaboration, and effective communication. In his book, Just Listen, the author Mark Goulston outlines just how to do this. 1. Attach an emotion to what
Make your spouse feel ‘felt’ Read More »
Direct questions make people think you’re talking AT them, and that can put them on the defensive. Rather, invite them into a conversation with fill-in-the-blanks approach; they will feel you’re talking WITH them. – With real curiosity, ask “So you are thinking of doing that because ____________. And that will help you to ____________.” Rather
Ask “fill in the blank” questions Read More »
The phrase “give and take” seems to infer reciprocity or negotiation and compromise. All important in a relationship.–The ‘give’ part is wonderful. It’s the word ‘take’ that is somewhat problematic. The word ‘take’ is often used interchangeably with ‘receive’. However, there is a subtle but important difference between the two words. It’s a small nuance
Marriage is not ‘give and take’ Read More »
In a caring and calm voice, you might say something along these lines: “Please speak in a calmer tone so I can listen better.” – Take the onus on yourself; you can’t listen well when there is screaming. – “I need to stop you for a moment.” And once they stop, “This is much too
How to lower the tension during an argument Read More »
Once your words are said, the impression they leave is remembered forever. Even if the words are forgiven, they are not forgotten. Choose your words carefully.
Taste your words before you spit them out Read More »
You can’t make another person happy. No one can make you happy. – Meet each other’s needs. And the happiness will flow from that.
Happiness flows from connection Read More »
Think how you could make it easier for your spouse to increase their positive characteristics (ie: to do more of what you would like to see from them). – Think about: For my spouse to be more ________, I could ________. For my spouse to pitch in more with housework, I could be less concerned
Make it easier for your spouse to love you Read More »
