When you notice that your discussion is spiraling downwards or moving to sensitive topics, you might use the metaphor of the traffic light. The idea is to use a two-word phrase “Yellow Light” in place of this longer statement: “I really want to hear what you are saying, but I’m feeling very stressed now and […]
During an argument, Yellow Light, Red Light Read More »
Do a few rounds with these questions. The idea is to do them in quick succession to gain momentum. Of course, as you want you can delve into anything that is brought up. Or you can choose to talk about those at a later time.:• What I am curious about is… or What is something
Date Night: Talking Rounds Read More »
It is important to communicate what you want or need from your spouse. It is not fair to make them guess. And, in the end, you won’t be getting what you want or need. State your feelings and then what you would like to happen. “I’m feeling [negative emotion]. And I want to feel [positive
“I feel … I would like …” Read More »
You can’t solve a problem that is unidentified or something that you identify in different ways. So, start by asking, “How do you identify the problem at hand?” Then, each of you shares what you think the problem is. Clarify and fill in details as necessary. End with each of you summarizing the problem and
How to productively solve problems together. Read More »
Make sure that you are really in tune with what is going on for each other. Check in with each other once a week. Make it a weekly ritual, with a cup of tea (or wine). Here are some things to talk about. Even if you don’t have lots of time, pick at least one
Weekly check-ins to really be in tune with each other. Read More »
When you notice something going on for your spouse, bring it up. This shows them that you care and that you are trying to understand them. Share what you have observed and what you imagine to be true based on those observations. Even though what you imagine may be wrong, it’s great to share your
Say what you notice. Read More »
Every relationship has issues where each sees things somewhat differently. (Money, in laws, children, religiosity, value differences, division of responsibilities, etc.) Too often, these issues only get attention when couples are fighting about them. When an issue is not addressed in constructive ways, negative energy around the issue is stored up and can easily get
Talk about the issue before you are triggered. Read More »
Advice is someone telling you what to do. Many times, when we are facing a challenge, we just want someone to tell us what to do. It is so much easier and it takes away our burden. You may be needing an answer, but is someone else’s advice best? Are you asking the right person?
Don’t seek advice, seek insight. Read More »
When we see that someone is facing a challenge or struggling with something (big or small), we typically might ask them, “What is the matter?” or some variation. For even more meaningful and potentially helpful conversation, we should also ask: “What matters to you?” This concept comes from the healthcare field. Practitioners are now asking
Ask: “What matters to you?” Read More »
(Think about a ‘grace period’ for late payments). Showing grace is going out of your way to give your compassion, kindness and love to someone even if they might not appreciate it, or return the favor. Even if they haven’t ‘earned it’ or deserve it. It is accepting and allowing someone to be who they
Show grace to others; nobody is perfect. Read More »
