“I don’t care what you do” is one of those phrases that can be misinterpreted because it can have several different connotations. It can be understood as “I don’t have a particular preference, all options are OK with me.” It can also mean “You and this whole issue aren’t important to me.” Or so many […]
Replace “I don’t care” with better wording. Read More »
“Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.” When your emotions are negative – anger, frustration, disappointment, etc. – the more you say, the higher the likelihood that there will be negative words and a negative aftermath. Rather, say less and listen more. Be curious about what
When angry, say less and listen more. Read More »
Often when you bring up an issue – even if you say it with sensitivity and with “I statements” and all – the other person may want to avoid dealing with the issue. Stay focused, don’t fall for their distractions. Some typical distractions are: Denial: “I would never do that.” Defensiveness: “You weren’t there, so
Keep focused on the issue. Don’t allow distractions Read More »
Is it possible that you tend to interpret ambiguous information negatively? Why is that? Do you judge yourself harshly and you just assume that others will judge you harshly too? Do you subconsciously feel that you are not worthy of respect and adoration so you hear things that aren’t even there? Do you have a
Do you hear criticism where none is intended? Read More »
If there is a behavior that your spouse does that you find frustrating you may ask for them to change that behavior. You can ask, and of course, it is up to them to decide to work on that. How you ask can make all the difference. Your relationship up to that point matters. If
How to ask your spouse for a change in behavior. Read More »
Softer, gentle language is better received by others. You can get the same message across with a softer tone. The conversation stays focused on the topic and doesn’t get argumentative because of unfortunate choice of words. Use ‘I statements’. “When _____, I feel ______” Choose words that foster collaboration rather than defensiveness or defiance. “How
Use gentler words for productive discussions. Read More »
You have differences of perspectives. Of course, you want your position to be heard and respected. So does your spouse. It ought to be shared in a congenial and respectful discussion. But too often, such discussions wind up becoming quarrels or arguments. You know you’re quarreling when you find yourself getting irritated and wanting to
Quarreling? Arguing? Discuss perspectives. Read More »
“I want to talk about this.” It’s not so much that your spouse wants to talk, as much as they want to be listened to and understood. They want to see that you care to hear what is going on for them, their perspective, their dreams, their worries. They want to know that they matter
When your spouse says that they want to talk, they really want to be understood. Read More »
Circular argument: “You are never home so I end up going out to dinner and shopping with friends.” –> “I work late to pay for all those things you buy.” –> “I wouldn’t go out so much if you were home.” Round and round… There are several separate issues being touched on in this conversation.
Stop the downward spiral of circular arguments. Read More »
“Just” is one of those words that is meant to minimize what you’re saying. Depending on the context it can come across as condescending “Just so you know” or invalidating “It will take just a minute of your time” or unconfident “I was just wondering…”. Find better ways to say what you want to get
What not to say “Just …” Read More »
