Ask for a ‘do-over’
If something you said didn’t come out as you had hoped, you can ask for a do-over. – “I said that the wrong way, can I have a ‘do over?’“ “That didn’t come out right, let me say that again.”
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communication
Know the warning signs of a possible fight
When you notice any of the following creeping into your discussion, slow down. You probably need a time-out to gain clarity and composure to continue the conversation. Name calling Attacking ‘you statements’ Finger pointing/ blaming Overgeneralizing (‘you always…’, ‘you never…’, ‘every time I…’, ‘nobody around here…’) Afraid of your partner’s intensity Loud voices Red face
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The power “Thank you”
Show your gratitude – in a full way. There are 3 parts to the Power Thank You. 1. Thank the person for something specific that the person did for you. Actually say the words “Thank you…” And be specific about what you are grateful for “for running to the store at that crazy hour.” That
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Ask “fill in the blank” questions
Direct questions make people think you’re talking AT them, and that can put them on the defensive. Rather, invite them into a conversation with fill-in-the-blanks approach; they will feel you’re talking WITH them. – With real curiosity, ask “So you are thinking of doing that because ____________. And that will help you to ____________.” Rather
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Taste your words before you spit them out
Once your words are said, the impression they leave is remembered forever. Even if the words are forgiven, they are not forgotten. Choose your words carefully.
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Know when and where to have tough conversations
You know you have to bring up a difficult topic. In addition to thinking about the issue and the words you will choose when talking about it, it is important to think about when and where to have the discussion. If you are going to your spouse about a problem (that you have with them),
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Take a ‘time-out’
“[There is] a time to remain silent and a time to speak” (Koheles 3:7) “Rabbi Shimon the son of Elazar would say: Do not appease your friend at the height of his anger ” (Avos 4:18) – A TIME-OUT IS ABOUT AVOIDING DAMAGE TO THE RELATIONSHIP. A time-out is from the issue – not the
Words to Avoid: “Not again!”
Some words to avoid: “Not again!” This implies that this happens often, and somehow it someone else’s fault. Instead, find the humor in it.
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Minimize defensiveness. Use better words.
Defensiveness destroys relationships from the inside-out. It creates a climate of contention and tension that eventually leads to a loss of trust, alienation, and separation. No one likes to hear a tirade of complaints and gripes. Not you, not your spouse. – Choose words that are easier to hear. When talking about a concern, begin
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Words to Avoid: “You should …”
Some words to avoid: “You should…” “Should” is one of the most judgmental words one can use. Telling people what they should or shouldn’t do, say, or think makes you the judge and ruler of their thoughts, decisions and actions. And it never feels good to be on the receiving side of judgment. Instead of
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