Thoughts and feelings are often used interchangeably. There really is a difference – a big difference. ONLY USE THE WORDS ‘I FEEL/ I AM ‘ WHEN FOLLOWED BY A TRUE FEELING, NOT A THOUGHT/ OPINION. Feelings “I feel/ I am” followed by [a feeling] “I feel [sad, mad, glad, scared]” “I am [sad, mad, glad, […]
Thoughts and feelings are very different Read More »
Some words to avoid: “I don’t care.” You may think that this statement gives an easy-going impression and avoids rocking the boat; in reality it gives an unclear message and causes confusion. Rather say, “I am good either way.” “I don’t have a preference.”
Words to Avoid: “I don’t care” Read More »
No one is happy when they are judged more than admired. It’s inevitable; your spouse will do something that annoys you sometimes. When you begin to feel irritated at your spouse, instead of reviewing everything you don’t like, turn your thoughts to all the good things about him or her. “Yeah, this thing is annoying.
Admire more. Judge less. Read More »
Emotions are complex. Under the anger or accusations (the HARD emotions), there are more vulnerable emotions, like fear, anxiety, embarrassment, hurt (the SOFT emotions). Sometimes our strongest (soft) emotions hide under other (hard) emotions because they represent our deepest needs and fears, and it can be scary to express them. And so we may use
Address the underlying emotion in the issue Read More »
One of the most common miscommunication traps in marriage happens when we think our nonverbal hints should be more than enough to get the message across OR we think the answer is so obvious that we shouldn’t have to say it out loud. When we fall into this trap, one spouse stays clueless and the
Your spouse can’t read your mind Read More »
Should spouses tell each other everything? In one word, no. While one spouse may be more comfortable disclosing than the other, she or he should not expect to hear every thought, action, urge or memory of their partner. We need different degrees of solitude to re-charge, regulate stress and nurture a sense of self –
You don’t have to tell your spouse everything Read More »
The goal of offering the advice is that the other person is empowered to resolve an issue or improve on something. Therefore, it is worthwhile to present that advice in a way that it will be best received. The “information sandwich” technique is a three-step process for making information (the contents of the sandwich) palatable
Ask permission before offering advice Read More »
Some words to avoid: “Whatever, it’s fine.” Your instinct may be to avoid conflict by bowing out early. You should be tackling problems together; that is part of being in a solid relationship. Rather say, “Let’s talk this through.” “I hear your perspective. I think it might work.”
Words to Avoid: “Whatever, it’s fine.” Read More »
When your spouse makes the effort to do or say something for your enjoyment or to ease your day, show your appreciation. Say ‘thank you!’ and definitely do not dismiss it, joke or divert attention. — Your spouse wants to give to you; s/he feels more connected when s/he gives AND the giving was well
Receive compliments, help, gifts, apologies graciously Read More »
Describe what you are feeling about the experience rather than just the experience itself. Instead of “What was that for?” or “I don’t like when you say that”, say “I felt hurt by those words.” – Instead of “You are so lazy.”, “You never do anything around here”, ”I hate that I am the only
Share your feelings Read More »
