Within every complaint, there is a request. It is important to be able to discern that request and not get caught up in the noise around it. Focus your energy on hearing what your partner is saying, or trying to say, and respond to that need.• A complaint about the garbage might really be about […]
Complaints are really a need or longing that is not happening. Read More »
There are times that some people want to show off to others that they are savvy or smart. In this quest of trying to portray themselves as superior, they might bully, belittle another, or scam another person. Just to get boasting rights. Such people typically have low self-esteem. Feeling small, they seek to make themselves
When hurt people hurt you, empathize. Read More »
Do you (sometimes) redirect a negative emotion that belongs in one situation to someone else? Did your boss/friend/colleague/ stranger say something upsetting and you let out that frustration on your spouse/child? That is displacing, a psychological defense mechanism that many of us develop to deal with difficult emotions. Instead of dealing with the stressful situation
Are you displacing your negative emotions? Read More »
Running away from any problem only increases the distance from the solution. In many cases, if you do not face your problems and you turn the other way, you are just avoiding them and over time they will pile up and cause you a huge amount of stress. And subconsciously, you may feel bad about
The easiest way to escape from the problem is to solve it. Read More »
Responding, while technically a reaction, takes into consideration the desired outcome of the interaction. Reacting is emotional, responding is emotional intelligence. Reactions are driven by the beliefs, biases, and prejudices of the unconscious mind; they are done without ‘thinking’. When you react to life, you’re acting emotionally from either memory or old habits. Responding means
Don’t react, respond. Read More »
Emotions are our natural guidance system—and they are more effective when we don’t try to fight them. There are major benefits to feeling what we don’t want to feel. Our emotions are telling us something about what is important to us. When we get the job or get recognition for our contributions, we feel happy
There are benefits to feeling what we don’t want to feel. Read More »
When you are talking about something that your spouse did that you don’t like, talk about the behavior, not your judgment of them. Not “I don’t like when you are nasty.” Rather, “I don’t like when you don’t speak to me all night.” Then, request what you prefer. “What I prefer is that you tell
Talk about behaviors, not judgment of the person. Read More »
When you notice that your discussion is spiraling downwards or moving to sensitive topics, you might use the metaphor of the traffic light. The idea is to use a two-word phrase “Yellow Light” in place of this longer statement: “I really want to hear what you are saying, but I’m feeling very stressed now and
During an argument, Yellow Light, Red Light Read More »
You can’t solve a problem that is unidentified or something that you identify in different ways. So, start by asking, “How do you identify the problem at hand?” Then, each of you shares what you think the problem is. Clarify and fill in details as necessary. End with each of you summarizing the problem and
How to productively solve problems together. Read More »
Every relationship has issues where each sees things somewhat differently. (Money, in laws, children, religiosity, value differences, division of responsibilities, etc.) Too often, these issues only get attention when couples are fighting about them. When an issue is not addressed in constructive ways, negative energy around the issue is stored up and can easily get
Talk about the issue before you are triggered. Read More »
