It’s inevitable. There will be some areas where the two of you will never agree. These are likely based on either fundamental differences in your personalities, or fundamental differences in your life style needs. It’s how you see the world. These are problems that you will return to again and again. They will never be […]
Every marriage has its perpetual problems Read More »
Emotions are complex. Under the anger or accusations (the HARD emotions), there are more vulnerable emotions, like fear, anxiety, embarrassment, hurt (the SOFT emotions). Sometimes our strongest (soft) emotions hide under other (hard) emotions because they represent our deepest needs and fears, and it can be scary to express them. And so we may use
Address the underlying emotion in the issue Read More »
There will always be differences in opinions, habits, traits, interests and perspectives. After all, you are two separate people. A happy marriage depends less on your being compatible and more on how you deal with incompatibility. Respect the other’s way of being or looking at the world. You might learn something interesting. Support your spouse’s
Differences are OK. It’s all in how you deal with them. Read More »
Never go to sleep angry. Ok, almost never. It’s not so much that you have to work it all out before you allow yourself to go to sleep. Rather, it’s more about lightening up and learning to let go of the little irritations. It’s just not worth it. Agree that you have different perspectives on
Never go to sleep angry Read More »
The advice “Never go to sleep angry” is faulty. Sometimes, the best thing to do is get some sleep before trying to work through the issue. When we’re tired, we just can’t think straight; the part of the brain responsible for self control and judgment isn’t working right. And we might end up saying things
It’s OK to go to sleep angry Read More »
Frustrating and escalating fights happen when couples approach their argument with a goal of winning. Naturally, there can only be one winner, and since both want to win and both feel they are correct, it usually does not end well. Instead the goal of the argument should be to understand the other person’s position as
The goal of an argument is to understand – not to win. Read More »
Bringing up old problems will just exacerbate the intensity of the upset. Additionally, it will probably send the current problem to the back as you end up discussing all the previous problems too. Plus, your spouse will be hurt that you still haven’t let go of past grievances. — Instead of: -“You always are losing
Avoid global labels – criticizing the whole person, rather than the action. When criticizing the person instead of the action, you are essentially saying that the other person is bad, to the core. In using global labels you are trying to wash your hands of any responsibility for the problem or your feelings around their
Address the current action, not the person Read More »
Some words to avoid: “Why are you getting so upset?” This questions the listener’s sensitivities and invalidates his/ her feelings. Rather say, “Please walk me through what is so upsetting to you.”
Words to Avoid: “Why are you getting so upset?” Read More »
Unless it really is time-sensitive, most things don’t really need to be done the minute you ask for it. Dishes can stay in the sink for a few hours, the mail can be brought in later. – Your spouse does want to do for you and the family. They just might want to do it
It doesn’t always need to be done “right now!” Read More »
