Bringing up old problems will just exacerbate the intensity of the upset. Additionally, it will probably send the current problem to the back as you end up discussing all the previous problems too. Plus, your spouse will be hurt that you still haven’t let go of past grievances. — Instead of: -“You always are losing […]
Good feelings generate more good feelings –at least most of the time. It is vitally important for good momentum to continuously build in your relationship. Even after a major conflict. Or perhaps, especially then. The absolutely wrong time to act on anger and resentment of the conflict is when you are presented with an opportunity
Good feelings generate more good feelings Read More »
Love is not just an emotion. It is also a decision. If you marry someone, this person becomes your top priority. Just making them happy, being generous and caring should be an automatic, almost contractual obligation. Just as most consider fidelity to be a non-negotiable responsibility in a marriage, consider being kind, forgiving and generous
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Avoid global labels – criticizing the whole person, rather than the action. When criticizing the person instead of the action, you are essentially saying that the other person is bad, to the core. In using global labels you are trying to wash your hands of any responsibility for the problem or your feelings around their
Address the current action, not the person Read More »
When your spouse makes the effort to do or say something for your enjoyment or to ease your day, show your appreciation. Say ‘thank you!’ and definitely do not dismiss it, joke or divert attention. — Your spouse wants to give to you; s/he feels more connected when s/he gives AND the giving was well
Receive compliments, help, gifts, apologies graciously Read More »
Compliments, appreciation, awe, approval, encouragement, pride, acknowledgements. Why you would want to share your positive feelings. 1. Your spouse will want to spend time with you (not from a place of neediness). A person naturally seeks the company of those who think well of them. – The more someone senses appreciation from another, the closer
Express your positive feelings of your spouse. Often. Read More »
Describe what you are feeling about the experience rather than just the experience itself. Instead of “What was that for?” or “I don’t like when you say that”, say “I felt hurt by those words.” – Instead of “You are so lazy.”, “You never do anything around here”, ”I hate that I am the only
Share your feelings Read More »
Some words to avoid: “Why are you getting so upset?” This questions the listener’s sensitivities and invalidates his/ her feelings. Rather say, “Please walk me through what is so upsetting to you.”
Words to Avoid: “Why are you getting so upset?” Read More »
Some words to avoid: “Let’s just drop it.” It isn’t fair to your relationship or your spouse to shut down the discussion. Instead, ask for a temporary time-out. “I need the time and head-space to step back and process it a little bit. I promise I’ll get back to it.” And don’t leave in a
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Some words to avoid: “I’m sorry if you feel that way.” This invalidates the listener’s feelings. It certainly is not an apology. Rather say, “I apologize for doing [whatever it is you did], I can see it upset you. I did not intend to do that. Help me understand what went wrong here.”
Words to Avoid: “I’m sorry if you feel that way” Read More »
