Do you find yourselves bickering or fighting over trivial things? It might be worthwhile to reflect and try to uncover the patterns of those fights. Once you know your triggers, you can begin to address those. Do you tend to fight right before you are leaving the house? Right before one of you is going […]
Look for the patterns of your fights Read More »
Instead of going head to head on the issue, go shoulder to shoulder as you work toward a resolution. Don’t be seeking to blame or shift responsibility. Rather, you should be looking at the issue; clarifying it, addressing it and resolving it – with courage and confidence. 1. Name the issue. Get clear on the
Confront the issue, not the person. Read More »
Many issues are complex and need to be looked at from several angles. You might think of it as a beach ball – with each stripe a different color, all part of the larger picture. Each stripe represents another aspect to consider – your perspective, your spouse’s point of view, time, finances, each child individually,
The beachball model of solving issues Read More »
Discuss the problem fully before attempting to solve it. So that you aren’t solving only part of the issue. It is much easier to solve a problem when all the details are out in the open. Each of you should share your perspectives, underlying needs and wants so you both can see the complete picture
Separate problem discussion from problem solving Read More »
Circular argument: “You are never home so I end up going out to dinner and shopping with friends.” –> “I work late to pay for all those things you buy.” –> “I wouldn’t go out so much if you were home.” Round and round… There are several separate issues being touched on in this conversation.
Stop the downward spiral of circular arguments. Read More »
The biggest source of conflict for couples is … the urge to win. When winning is most important, then your spouse’s perspectives are summarily dismissed or trampled upon, leading to a downward cycle of spiral of resentment, hostility and then to alienation. And the relationship suffers. So why do people choose winning over understanding their
Aim to understand your spouse, not to win the argument. Read More »
Every couple has disagreements or fights – sometimes. If you did have a fight and then found a way to smooth things over without truly feeling a deeper sense of understanding about yourself, your relationship and your spouse, you’ve wasted a perfect opportunity for growth. Reflect about what might really have been going on for
Grow from a fight. Read More »
Don’t fight in public. And don’t belittle your spouse, snap at them, roll your eyes, be verbally aggressive, betray them with stories that make them look foolish or dumb, or constantly making jokes at their expense. And definitely don’t try to rope others into your arguments. It’s disrespectful. It’s awkward for everyone. For each of
Don’t fight in public. Read More »
Name calling should never be part of your communication. Never. Find another way to express your feelings other than calling names. Even if something your spouse did or said was unwise or ineffective or brought negative repercussions, don’t ever resort to name calling. It attacks the other person. It damages the relationship. It won’t change
Name calling is hurtful. And it does not help anything. Ever. Read More »
Don’t harp on the mistakes that your spouse made. (You also want to be cut some slack from time to time.) Saying words like “What were you thinking?” focus mostly on the mistake – made in the past. Many times, you’d do best by just letting the mistake go unmentioned. If you feel it ought
Ask: “What will you do differently next time?” not “What were you thinking?” Read More »
